So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
