Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
