So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
