watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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