Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Acid is not a monday night drug
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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