thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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