hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
