I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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