Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
My ATM looks so different sober.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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