Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
