remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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