Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
