I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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