I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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