Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
