The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
