I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
