adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
