see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
