Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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