i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
