I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
