Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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