Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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