70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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