Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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