Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
