when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
