NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
