OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
