you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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