I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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