First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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