y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
