Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
