at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
