I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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