i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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