I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Randomize
