we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
