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just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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