What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
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