Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
