nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Pants are for mortals
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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