I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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