you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
