i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
