I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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