I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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