I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
