you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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